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My mom..

My mom never fails to make me feel like crap. I was nice enough to answer her call and try to have a civil conversation with her and then she tries to pull a guilt trip and make me feel bad about stuff that I shouldn’t even feel bad about. I mean she’s the one that’s an alcoholic, screwed up our family and continues to do it no matter how much we try to help her and how many chances we give her. She acts like she hasn’t done anything wrong and expects us just to let her come live with us again. Its ridiculous. I feel so bad for her and love her so much, but I can’t handle it. Every time I talk to her we end up arguing, I hate it. I try sooooo hard to be nice to her and its like she just pushes me to the edge until I can’t take it anymore. I know the Bible says to respect your parents and I try sooooo hard to respect her, not argue with her and everything but its so hard to when she always brings up the past, makes me feel like a horrible person, says I don’t love her or support her and acts like me and my brothers and dad are the reason she’s an alcoholic and has lost everything. I can only imagine how it must feel to not be any part of your childrens life, but she brought it on herself and she always says she’s stopped drinking but never actually has. I pray every day and night that she will change and truly realize what she’s doing not only to herself but her family. & I pray for her salvation, I really want to see her in heaven one day and for her to be that amazing mom and person she used to be. I know many people complain about their moms and how they care too much and stuff, but I wish I had that. Don’t get me wrong, my dad has played the “mom” as well as the dad role very well, but I want a mom I can go pick out prom dresses with, a mom that is like a best friend and all those other great things. It breaks my heart to see her how she is now and to not have a good relationship with her. I hate it. I really want to help her get her life back on track though. Everyone please pray for my mom.

Rant.

It’s funny that no matter how many times you’ve screwed me over, how many times you’ve treated me like crap and how many times we haven’t worked out, Ill always be here for me if you need me. I’m so dumb because I know I’m just another girl to you. If you were to call me right now and needed a ride or something I would help anyway I could. But I can’t tell you that I’m always here for you because that would just be weird to you. I know you’re no good for me and I know I deserve so much butter than you, but after all we’ve been through the past few years I guess I still have some feelings for you. I mean, you we’re the first guy I ever really fell for, you we’re my first kiss you just mean a lot to me. I just wish you would change your ways. I think all my feelings for you are gone, but then I see you and remember the good times we had. We are no good for each other though. We’re complete opposites. I’m a huge Christian that just wants that one special guy and you’re a hot headed, country boy that doesn’t like relationships and never plans on getting married. I don’t even know if I can say I love you, but for some reason after everything I still kind of want to be with you. It makes no sense. You graduate this year and I graduate the year after and then we probably wont see each other anymore so none of what we had will even matter. Our relationship is so weird, if we’re not talking or not together its like we dont even know each other and things are awkward, whats wrong with us? I know God is going to bring a great Christian guy into my life that I’m going to fall madly in love with, so why do I keep wanting you despite the fact that we’re no good for each other? Ugh

Personal.

I am seriously so blessed. I have been through so much in my life, but I am truly thankful and appreciative for all that I have had to face. From my mom being an alcoholic to losing people that I loved so much, it’s just been a crazy life. I wouldn’t change a single day though because it has all shaped me into the person I am now and honestly, I love who I’m becoming. My faith in God has grown dramatically this past year and I haven’t been happier because of Him despite all the things that have happened in my life these past 12 months. God has truly blessed me. I’m so excited to see what He has planned for my future, I’m just taking it day by day though. I really hope I can change people’s lives, help them & lead people to Christ.

God is seriously so amazing.

WOW.

Just had someone call me at 3:30am and confess their “love” for me for over an hour.

Moments I look forward to:

Sitting in rocking chairs with my husband on our wrap around porch while drinking sweet tea

I really miss holding hands with that special someone. I miss those unexpected kisses on my cheek or forehead. I miss going on corny little dates. I miss staying up for hours and hours texting or talking on the phone with someone I can call my boyfriend even though I feel like I’m about to pass out. I miss just looking at him in the eyes and smiling because I have butterflies and Im amazed by every little thing about that him. I miss having “I love you more” arguments. I miss everything that’s involved with having a boyfriend. Although I miss all of it, I know God is busy preparing me for that special guy that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I just need to stay patient because I know it’s going to be worth the wait. It’s going to be “perfect”.

My Testimony

In Proverbs 30:20 it says that “Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways” and I can tell you from personal experience that this is true. Most of the time people get close to God during the hard times and not the good. I was living in the darkness for a huge portion of my life without realizing it and it took the most painful and heartbreaking situation of my life for me to open my eyes and bring me to the light where God wants me to be. Granted, I wasn’t out partying or making other bad decisions like most teenagers are these days or anything like that, but I just wasn’t living my life the way God wanted me to. Yes, I would read the bible and I believed in God, but I didn’t have that personal relationship with God because I didn’t truly know Him.

In September 2010, I was introduced to my older brother’s friend. We instantly clicked. I know this is going to sounds cliché, but I honestly believe it was love at first sight. He was the guy that I had always wanted. He was sweet, athletic, funny, and the list goes on and on. He attended another school though. As the months went on, I became best friends with him. We would talk for hours and hours on the phone and never run out of things to say, I trusted him with everything. He was really one of the most genuine people I knew at the time.

In March 2011 we began dating. It seemed like everyone at my school thought poorly of me because of this, but for once, I didn’t care because I was finally happy. My boyfriend and I always had a good time whether we went out to Destin on a date or just hung out at home and watched movies. We got along so well, we never argued or anything. I can honestly say that I thought he was going to be the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with and so did everyone else that saw us together. We both enjoyed the same things, we both could act ourselves around each other and we both loved each other. We could be driving down the street and if he saw flowers on the side of the road he would stop and pick them for me. That shows you the type of guy he was. It all seemed like a movie, it was perfect to me. I never expected anything bad to happen to us, and he swore nothing ever would, and I believed him.

As the summer came to an end and his senior year approached, it got harder to see each other because the fact that I didn’t have my license yet, we both had school and I also had volleyball practice every single day. Him living 30 minutes away didn’t help any either. I could feel us starting to drift apart and that was one of the worst feelings in the world. In September 2011, my family and I had to go to Texas because my great grandmother was in the hospital and the doctors thought she didn’t have much time left. The week that I was gone to hometown of Irving, Texas, I could feel us drifting apart even more. When I got back home to Florida, I immediately went to his house and everything seemed to be great again, but there was still a part of me that felt like something was wrong. A few days later on September 16th, four days before our six month anniversary, we broke up, It was kind of a mutual thing, but neither one of us really knew what was going on. He said that we were just on a break. I was so heartbroken, I cried every single day, even though I thought we were going to get back together considering we were just on a “break”. My family was the only people that knew we weren’t together anymore. The youth pastor at the First Baptist of Laurel Hill came up to my school a few times a week and he had noticed that something was wrong. I barely knew him even though I had seen him around. One day at P.E. he asked if everything was okay and I broke down, I explained everything that had happened even though it was hard to because of me crying. He asked me if I had ever been saved and I told him that I had been before, but I realized that I had only had a God experience and now I was having a true God encounter. God had to get me to this point to open the eyes of my heart, now I could see where I’d been failing. I always tried to understand things my way and fix my problems. I was blinded by my own circumstances, that I didn’t realize God was there reaching out to me the whole time. In Proverbs 3:5 & 6, it says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” This was the beginning of my spiritual journey. I finally realized that I can’t live this life by myself, so I accepted the Lords invitation for Him to come into my heart.

A few weeks later I heard that he was talking to another girl, this news made me fall apart. And to make matters worse, I went to the movies with my church youth group to see a movie and he was there with her. I had to sit through a two hour movie and watch him sitting with her the whole time. I felt like I was going to die. I came to a face to face reality with what it says in Psalm 34:17-19; “The righteous people cry out, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”

A few weeks later I found out that he was dating another girl, so I text him and made arrangements to get all my things from him. We ended up texting shortly after that and he was saying that he wished things would have turned out differently and all kinds of other stuff. All of this broke my heart even more. I was at the point where I would rather be dead than deal with everything with him anymore. After the breakup, I could barely eat, which caused me to lose 20 pounds, it seemed like everything was going downhill. Without my family, friends, church members and God, there’s no telling where I would be right now. Here’s where Faith met circumstance. 8eight months after we broke up, I found out that he cheated on me with two girls at a party. (he told me there was no drinking there and he didnt mess around). God says in the Bible that He  will brings everything to the light, and that’s exactly what He did.

That was the painful situation I had to go through to make me who I am now. From that day my youth pastor continued to encourage me and give me Scripture. I finally realized that I had been in the dark for a long time and that my priorities were all messed up. Even though I never wanted me and him to break up, I am so incredibly blessed that we did, it has opened my eyes up so much. Instead of God being my number one in life, my boyfriend had been for over a year. No matter what, God needs to be your number one. I found out that the only relationship that anyone needs it the one with God. Boyfriends come and go, but Jesus comes and stays. He will never leave nor forsake you. God is the only one that deserves your whole heart. People will fail you, but he won’t. Only God possess a perfect love. Most of the time people see it as a bad thing when people change or leave, but in the eyes of a Christian it is good because it’s an opportunity for God to reveal His plan to you and allow you to become stronger mentally and spiritually. In Jeremiah 29:11 it says “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.” God doesn’t promise to keep trials, sufferings out of your life, but he promises to keep you close to Him in the midst of them and deliver you through them, which adds to your faith and trust daily. Everyone should view their sufferings as a good thing, they’re meant to make you better, not bitter. All the suffering that you endure is part of his wonderful plan, he is the great potter and we’re the mere clay that He molds and shapes according to His will and His purpose. In Roman 8:28 it says that “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those that are called according to His purpose.” Everyone says that time heals everything, but the truth is; God is the healer of everything.

He isn’t going to put you through anything you can’t handle and I promise he won’t take anything away from you without replacing it with something much better. You might not understand why He’s doing something, but one day you will. God is always doing what’s best for you even though you probably don’t think it at the time. A lady that is like a mom and best friend told me this during my breakup: “God is painting a beautiful picture of your life, and right now you only see this side of it. Each event and each pain will play a part, each tear you cry is a drop of paint on the Masters brush as he creates a beautiful mural of your life. So always trust Him!”

And if you didn’t hear anything I just said or zoned me out, just read Psalm 119:66-67. It says “teach me to use good judgment and knowledge because I believe in your commandments. Before you made me suffer I used to wander off, but now I hold on to your word. I put my Faith and Trust in the Lord, and I challenge you to do the same. Because it’s your faith in Him that will change your life, heal you and take out the old and bring in the new. 

God wants you to be happy, but most importantly He wants you to be holy. God WILL bring the right person into your life when you’re ready and in His perfect timing. He isn’t going to put you through anything you cant handle. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by the hands of God and you are strong enough to make it through this. When you make God #1 in your life, everything else falls into place. If you think your last relationship was great, just imagine how “perfect” its going to be when you’re with the person you’re meant to be with. God is just using this to help shape you into the person you’re meant to be. God Bless!

(this is written like a speech because I was asked to say it in front of 2,000 at a FCA Breakfast back in February. Sorry if anything is misspelled)